The Psychology of Attraction: Why We Want Who We Want
psychology of attraction, what makes someone attractive, why we fall in love, chemistry in relationships, subconscious attraction
You know that feeling when someone walks into the room and your body reacts before your brain does? The quickened pulse, the magnetic pull in your stomach, the almost irrational curiosity about who they are. You might say there’s something about them, or that you feel drawn to them.
That’s not just chemistry, it’s psychology.
Attraction feels like magic, but underneath the spark is a fascinating web of biology, memory, and emotional wiring. From scent and voice to attachment style and childhood experiences, what and who we’re drawn to often reveals more about us than the object of our desire.
Attraction isn’t coincidence or chance, it’s communication between the conscious and subconscious parts of ourselves.
The Science of Attraction: What’s Really Going On
“We just clicked.” Is a result of mixed neurochemicals and sensory cues.
Dopamine creates excitement and anticipation when we meet someone new.
Oxytocin, the bonding hormone, deepens connection and trust.
Phenylethylamine (or PEA) sometimes called the “love molecule”gives us that euphoric, can’t-eat-can’t-sleep feeling.
We are inspired by novelty, but wired for familiarity. That paradox is part of what makes attraction so unpredictable. A new face can trigger excitement, but subtle traits like a certain way of speaking or a specific scent might subconsciously feel comforting and safe because they’re familiar.
The Familiar Feels: Why We Repeat Patterns
We often gravitate toward what we know, even if it wasn’t healthy. This is called “the familiarity principle.” The traits we experienced early in life—the way love was given or withheld—create internal blueprints for what connection feels like.
If you grew up needing to earn love and affection, you might unconsciously chase emotionally unavailable people, trying to win what feels like belonging. If you felt safe and seen growing up, you may be drawn to emotionally stable partners who mirror that.
Attraction, at its core, is often an attempt to resolve an old experience, or to heal it. I’m not saying that attraction is positive or negative, or that all patterns are unhelpful. I’m saying that you can look at what or who you’re attracted to in a similar way that you might consider data.
We say yes thinking this time will be different. We end up in a loop of seeking corrective experiences without even realizing it, thinking this time will be different, over and over again.
In any other aspect of life, we’d change our approach after not getting the results we wanted. At the very least, we’d consider another way and yet, when it comes to attraction—we attach ourselves fully to it.
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken for wanting intensity; you’re human for wanting resolution.
Chemistry vs. Compatibility
There’s a Buddhist teaching that suggests butterflies in our stomachs may not be the feeling to follow. It’s anxiety manifested in your body. It’s understood as a symptom of the uncontrolled mind which has subconscious attachments to certain outcomes.
Chemistry is fast. It’s the spark, the heat, the dopamine rush that floods your brain with possibility.
Compatibility is slow. It’s the safety, communication, and emotional grounding that make relationships last.
The problem? Our brains think of chemistry and connection as interchangeable, especially when attraction is driven by old emotional patterns.
Chemistry is what has inspired so much art and music of our time. It’s what got so many of us out of bed in the mornings before school and what keeps us awake at night until our thoughts fade into dreams.
Compatibility feels different. Chaos can’t live here. It’s steady, curious, and embodied rather than frantic. You wake up with a smile on your face and sleep peacefully because truth has settled in your stomach— you are safe here. True chemistry isn’t adrenaline— it’s resonance. It’s when your nervous system feels both alive and safe.
How Attachment Styles Dictate Who We’re Attracted To
Our attachment style—shaped by early emotional experiences—plays a massive role in who we find attractive.
Anxious types are often drawn to avoidant partners because they activate the familiar push-pull dynamic that feels like “chemistry.”
Avoidant types may be attracted to emotionally expressive people because it subconsciously mirrors what they secretly crave but fear.
Secure types are drawn to balance; partners who communicate clearly, respect space, and express affection consistently.
Recognizing your attachment style can change your entire dating experience. It’s not about labeling yourself; it’s about awareness. Once you understand how your nervous system seeks love, you can begin choosing partners from intention rather than instinct, through the lens of compatibility.
Watch the short video below to learn more and take this free quiz to find out your attachment style.
The Map Back to Yourself
When we understand the psychology of attraction, we realize love isn’t something we find— it’s something we embody.
The more we know ourselves—our patterns, our wounds, our desires—the more clearly we can recognize a genuine connection when it appears. Attraction then becomes less about chasing a spark and more about cultivating the kind of energy in ourselves that we want to attract.
“Love, in Buddhism, always begins with yourself, before the manifestation of the other person in your life. The teaching of love in Buddhism is that when you go home to yourself, you recognize the suffering in you. Then the understanding of your own suffering will help you to feel better, and to love, because you feel the completeness, the fulfillment in yourself. So you don’t need another person to begin to love. You can begin with yourself.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
As it so often seems to go—it starts with you. 😘
psychology of attraction, what makes someone attractive, why we fall in love, chemistry in relationships, subconscious attraction
